i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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