I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
