she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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