I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
