I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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