Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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