Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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