so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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