he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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