So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
