If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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