Pass out mid-funnel last night.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
