Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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