I need to stop coming to work sober
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
