i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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