i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
