It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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