Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
