cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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