im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
