Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
