Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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