Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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