I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
