According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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