I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
