if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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