Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
