i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
