He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
sarcasm needs its own font
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
this is an emotional support booty call
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
