oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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