'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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