Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
