I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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