Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
