it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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