I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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