The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
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