NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
