I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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