Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
