Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
