I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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