You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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