Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
