so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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