mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
