he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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