when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
