I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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